Why I Will Never Date a Laptop

Some women search for hunky guys who are easy on the eyes. Others prefer a gentleman of accomplishment. Still another subset of the female population seeks a boyfriend that will make their friends jealous or put their parents in a particular frame of mind. Finally, there are the girls who simply don’t wish to be alone. Any boyfriend is better than no boyfriend, in their book.

I could be friends with a sleek Sony Vaio, if he had enough features. I certainly could appreciate the awards and abilities of a fancy gaming computer, but would have little patience if that was all he could talk about. I definitely seek the advice of my friends and family when making investment decisions, but I find it petty to live your life with the goal of making others unhappy or uncomfortable. You have to make your own valuations in life. And for heaven’s sake, don’t buy a Commodore 64 if you need to manipulate high quality graphics! Wait until you can afford a Mac or at least a high-end PC.

Laptops have much to recommend them. They are portable, warm, compact, and often on par with desktops, technology-wise. However, they are very delicate and have a tendency to flake out on me, whether or not I am to blame. Such upsets completely rearrange my life and leave me scrambling literally and figuratively. “Can I borrow your computer to submit my homework?” “What do you MEAN the music library closed two hours ago?”

So my pretty Toshiba, we can be friends and collaborators. But for a deeper, more exclusive relationship, I’m turning to my charcoal grill. He cooks, he’s easy to maintain, and he works with what I give him. He also doesn’t promise to be anything more than he is. He knows his limitations. Plus he makes pretty fire! If I feed him properly and don’t completely neglect him, he will meet my needs. I need honesty and dependability, in addition to being interesting. It’s not like I’m dating the Tupperware or anything...